There is a saying in Recovery circles that states “Without a ‘no’, your ‘yes’ doesn’t mean anything.” Saying “yes” to everything leads to being over-committed and not being able to fulfill those commitments. This can lead to others not trusting us, not knowing if we actually mean our “yes.” Having a “no” also means that when we do say “yes,” others know we actually want to do what they have asked. Setting boundaries regarding what you do and do not want to do is an important aspect of self-care.
Let’s explore what it looks like to have a “no” in each of the areas of self-care: physical, social, emotional, and spiritual.
Physical Boundaries
There are many different types of boundaries that require a “no” when it comes to our physical self-care. Here are a few areas that come to mind.
Eating
Anyone who has ever been on a diet has had to say “no” to food. While setting boundaries in social settings while dieting is difficult, depriving yourself for the sake of weight loss is not the only boundary that we must set around food.
The term diet actually refers to what one eats, not only when trying to lose weight but at other times as well. Setting boundaries around food means making healthy choices when not on a diet. It means making lifestyle changes with the choices that you implement while on a diet. About ten years ago, I decided to say “no” to soda pop. I went from drinking 3 to 6 cans of Mt Dew a day to drinking 3 sodas over the course of 2 years. My “no” became a change of lifestyle to an unhealthy habit.
As is true with any boundary, social pressure can make setting boundaries around food more difficult. Thankfully, we live in a time when specialized diets are more common. Being a vegetarian or gluten-free no longer solicits reactions of disbelief or pity. When I started to actually react to peanuts, rather than just dislike the taste or smell, people were much more accepting of my dislike of them. I know a teenager who tells people that she is extremely allergic to peanuts because she dislikes them, even though she has never had a reaction. This is her way of setting a boundary to avoid pressure to eat peanut butter.
Setting boundaries around food often means evaluating why you eat what you do. Do you eat to nourish your body or do you engage in emotional eating? Ask yourself if you are eating for any of these reasons:
- You are upset about something.
- You are bored.
- You are anxious.
- You are stressed.
Know Your Abilities and Limitations
When I was in my early 20s, I had a job in a warehouse where I weighed packages and entered their weight into the computer. I then pushed the packages further down the conveyor belt to be loaded onto the appropriate trucks. The conveyor belt was disconnected one day when a new employee was loading the trucks. I had to pick up each box and set it on the conveyor. Every time the box was over 35 pounds, the new employee would ask if I needed help lifting it onto the conveyor belt. I had to repeatedly tell him that I was perfectly capable of doing my job. I knew my abilities and set a boundary with regard to what I could do versus what I allowed someone else to do for me.
Allowing others to do for you what you can do yourself limits your abilities. While it is healthy to accept help from others, allowing others to over-function in your life is not. Over-functioning is when you are capable of doing something, yet someone else constantly does it for you. If someone insists on doing something for you, you need to have a “no” and tell them you can do it yourself. As with any boundary, you will get pushback at first, but hold your ground and retake your “no.”
On the other hand, it is important to know your limitations and set boundaries to avoid exceeding them. Time and physical limitations often require that we say “no” to things that we want to do or believe that we should do. Self-care includes not running yourself ragged-tired or hurting yourself physically because you were unable to tell someone “no.”
Social/Emotional Boundaries
This is perhaps the area of self-care that many people think of first when discussing boundaries. What does having a “no” mean in your social and emotional life?
Commitments
Having a “no” means that you are able to do everything to which you commit yourself to do. This can be a commitment to yourself or others. If you have ever heard yourself say, “I don’t trust myself to (stick to a diet, not overspend, etc),” then you have most likely not followed through on your commitments to yourself.
When you are overcommitted, you not only find it difficult to fulfill all of the commitments that you have made, but you also do not have time to do other things. Your social life will suffer as you will not have the time to nurture your friendships. Imagine your day is scheduled from the time your alarm goes off in the morning to the time your head hits the pillow at night. You get a phone call saying a friend needs help. You either need to say “no” to helping your friend or to a prior commitment. If you back out of another commitment too often, then people no longer trust you to keep your commitments. Your “yes” did not mean anything because you did not have a “no” to leave room for the unexpected. If you keep all of your prior commitments instead of helping your friend, your friendship suffers.
Toxic Relationships
We all have people in our lives who we could label as EGRs (Extra Grace Required.) If we are honest, we all can be an EGR at times. But there are some people, some relationships, that go beyond being an EGR. These relationships need more than grace, they need strong boundaries.
What is a toxic relationship? A toxic relationship is one in which you do not feel respected, but rather in which you feel controlled. According to Healthline.com, you may feel drained or unhappy after spending time together and may dread, rather than look forward to seeing them. You may need to develop a “no” in a relationship if any of these signs exist:
- You feel like you are no longer yourself. Manipulation and control are common in toxic relationships. If you do not have a “no” you can lose sight of who you are in exchange for who you believe the other person wants you to be.
- The relationship consists mostly of hostile communication. This can include sarcasm and criticism, name-calling, blaming, yelling, and mocking. It can also include non-verbal communication like throwing things or slamming doors.
- Dishonesty. Relationships need to be built on trust. Someone who is lying to you cannot be trusted and is not trusting you.
- Controlling behaviors. This may include telling you what you need to do or think, deciding who you can be friends with, monopolizing your time, or belittling your statements.
If you are in a relationship with any of these symptoms, you will need to become unapologetically assertive in order to say “no” to these behaviors, and possibly to the relationship. You may also need the help of a therapist. In my life, it took a therapist to help me to see the toxicity in some of my relationships. This is common because the toxicity develops slowly and grows over time.
Spiritual Boundaries
There are two main areas where I can think of needing boundaries in my spiritual life. The first is in ministry commitments. The other is in what I believe.
Ministry Commitments
Ministry commitment is a subcategory of the over-commitment that we discussed earlier. Do not get me wrong, I strongly believe that if you have a relationship with Jesus Christ, you need to be serving Him in your local church or where ever He has called you to serve. But over-committing within ministry can create issues beyond what was discussed above. When we do not have a “no” in where to serve in ministry, we end up serving in areas where God did not intend for us to serve, that do not match our giftedness. By doing this, we also deny other believers the opportunity to serve where God created them to serve.
I spent about 5 years being in charge of most of the Children’s Ministries at our church when I lived in South Dakota. At one point, someone asked if I would be interested in helping with the kitchen. I said no, as I did not feel that was in my area of giftedness. I know how to cook. I grew up in a large family that owned a restaurant. I can cook for a large number of people if I choose, but it is not an area where I feel called to serve. A few years later, when my family was preparing to move out of state, I stepped down from Children’s Ministry, but still worked at the preschool in the church during the week. It was extremely difficult for me to see the Wednesday night Children’s Ministry led by someone who had previously stated that she did not like kids. I had said no to overcommitment, but someone else said yes to serving in an area in which she was not created to serve.
Theological Boundaries
This is perhaps the most important of the two, yet maybe the hardest to discern. Setting a theological boundary means saying “no” to false teachings. It means to be intentional about evaluating whatever teaching I listen to against Scripture.
My favorite word picture for this came to life for me about a month ago. I have often repeated the statement that banks don’t teach tellers to recognize counterfeit money by giving them counterfeit money. Instead, they have them handle real money repeatedly. Having worked retail for many years, I immediately recognized the first counterfeit dollar that I saw. It was wrapped in a wad of bills that included the payment for a large (corporate) pizza order and an $11 tip in ones. I was familiar enough with real bills (and had several right there to compare) that the fake one stood out like a sore thumb. My co-worker asked why I thought it was counterfeit and I was able to give her 4-5 reasons within a minute.
The same is true with theological doctrine. We can discern what is true and what is false teachings by knowing what the Word of God says, By studying our Bible, and with prompting by the Holy Spirit, we are able to say “no” to false teachings.
Where Do You Need to Have a “No”?
Or where have you developed a “no” and found your “yes” to have more meaning? Leave your answers in the comments.